Hey Love

Art by: ossay_brand (instagram)

I don’t want to keep talking about being in my feelings, writing about the things that hurt me the most. Physically and internally not being able to love and respect me enough is becoming a real burden. I mean like I do, but I don’t know how to sit with my sadness, issues, and shortcomings without talking a cloud of insults into my bubble. I don’t truly believe in myself, wait I doooo, I have to get better at this manifestation thing. I don’t affirm myself very often. I base my success off of others reactions and bask in my need for recognition. Am I proud? Truly proud? Yes… I feel like I’m about to throw up. Definitely overwhelmed with emotions thinking about how I could do better for me. 

Dear Self, 

I’m sorry its almost as if I have backtracked

While abandoning care I got too focused on love and clapbacks

As if I cant handle my own and, and I scream I’m independent 

I silently judge the next girl and forget my own advice when I’m in it 

I can’t explain why I left you knowing this pain was a shared gain

And I cry by myself while you wait for me to call your name

Who are you? I know it’s me to a degree 

But you have your own story to be heard

To be seen

I make it all about my physical experience while you battle with our subconscious 

And instead of dealing with my untapped emotions I glaze over them with a nonchalant diss 

I’m sorry, I can’t stress it enough

I wish I could talk to you like actually hear your voice we got tea to discuss 

I know you possess the words I need to move on and I can feel you through my heartbeat

But, tell me how can I walk side by side with you in the dead of winter on a cold street?

Metaphorical that is because I’m always dead and I’ve been called detached so much that it has gone to my head 

In reality, I have feelings deeper than another would ever find unless they are willing to, with permission, tiptoe in this land of mine

And there goes me in my bag again talking about a love that has gone rotten

Not focusing on your needs, I promise you’re not forgotten

I’m just trying to navigate, you know, to seal my fate

It’s funny how I convince myself I have control and that something is “too late” 

Nah, everything is right on time and now that I am here I can tap into our shiny tints to refine

I can figure out what we need and fight against injustice and greed

Multitasking multifaceted BLACK Queen indeed

Now it’s getting awkward just talking about my being 

But until I can balance humble and confidence I still don’t know the meaning

Meaning to what? To self-reflection I guess 

Hey was that you? Well me? 

Now I’m questioning if that was your voice or I’m just imagining 

Over analyzing is my second language 

 And now for my final act: a spider web of thoughts 

Let me not because with my unaccepted pessimism that could get dangerous 

With my higher self I will pay that cost

Quietly.

Art by: ossay_brand (instagram)

 

3 thoughts on “Hey Love

  1. Exactly! Once I remember saying (out loud too which was even more crazy) would you just shut up for a second, I can’t think!!! I was deadly serious when I started the sentence and doubled over in fits of laughter by the time I finished it.

    Sharing some music with you that never fails to get me dancing and laughing after yet another give-myself-a-hard-time session. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vjDS20Qy9aI

    And even though you may be writing about something entirely different, you have captured perfectly a state with which I am intimately acquainted… thank you 🙂

    Like

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